In other circumstances... [Don Mace]

Hugs, Char. (In a couple of years this'll be your colorful past and you'll score like a frenchman in the midwest. In the meantime, have another hug and some imaginary tea.)

When I got together with Doña Mace there were, I'm not too proud to boast, some competitors. This was in a milieu, best left unlocated, where everyone was functionally polyamorous until declared otherwise. Not just promiscuous (see? I do understand the distinction): multiple long-term regular bonks were commonplace and unconcealed. (Even discussed inter partes, though posting league tables on your bedroom wall was considered crass.)

In other words, one dated.

And so the time came when I had to relay the existence of a newly declared state of monogamy to certain affected partes. Reactions varied from uncomprehending ("Shame. Let's shag") to accepting ("You two are so going to get married") to retaliatory ("No I don't want to stay friends, I don't actually like you, I only wanted you for sex while I looked for someone who was good at it"). Every time, though, a close friendship became an ex-friendship overnight because you weren't going to shag any more. And that seemed like kind of a shame. But so it goes.

Which is obviously not what just happened to Char. But this question for Mr Vanilla Person raises a slightly closer parallel about sex, friendship and unavailability:

Dear Mr Person,

I used to be functionally polyamorous. And I still am, but now I'm happily committed to my three and only life partners. Over the years, though, I've become friends with new people where, under my former circumstances, sex would have happened. Not drunken pulls (they're actually allowed), but really good friendships, with the humor, the intellectual engagement, the syncopation of fresh perspectives and shared ones that make you want to rub your bodies up and down against each other. Can those friendships survive the absence of sex? Should they? Is it cheating to even get that close to someone? Am I doomed to superficial friendships outside the (admittedly large) circle of my marriages?

Sincerely,

Okey Shard

Mr Vanilla Person says:

These are good questions. Raised by an arsehole. You quit the game, stop playing it.