charmaine's guide to life in china, lesson 2: chinese characters

Welcome to this, our second instalment of Charmaine X's Anthropological Guide to Life in China. Lesson One covered spitting, an essential skill for cultural integration and everyday life. In Lesson Two we move onto social dynamics, introducing a few local characters you might expect to meet during your stay in the People's Republic. We suggest you print out the following and carry it on you at all times in case of personal encounters. Study hard, there'll be a quiz next period!

The Oblivious Western Dude

Vaguely enticed by the promise of Oriental mysteries, the OWD comes to China to teach English in order to escape from a boring job back home. He dates a string of Chinese females who supposedly help improve his language skills; but after six months in the country he still doesn't know enough Chinese to order takeaway pizza. Has been found to express an interest in ancient philosophy and swordplay, and before the move, would often be found in suburban martial arts clubs working up his qigong. Can't stand baijiu (Chinese rice liquor); buys fake Johnnie Walker so he has money left over for local brand cigarettes. Complains loudly that Asian condoms are too small for him. His Chinese girlfriend keeps him hidden from her parents, he doesn't understand why.

The Apparat-chick

The Apparat-chick hangs around in foreigner-oriented bars, strategically on the lookout for a laowai boyfriend. Forms a pack with her less attractive female friends, who wait till she has her back turned, then mack on her current squeeze. The Apparat-chick isn't satisfied with local boyfriends, who treat her as mentally underdeveloped, but she complains western men won't look after a woman the way Chinese men do (i.e. find her housing, take her to classy restaurants, buy things for her parents). Thinks of herself as modern and progressive for avoiding commitment into her late twenties or early thirties, but will marry in a heartbeat to a man of any ethnicity as long as he has a bank job and a German car.

The Horny Western Girl

She arrived in China later than her western male buddies, but her Chinese skills leave them eating dust. She even speaks some of the local dialect and watches news on CCTV (China Central Television). She has real, actual Chinese friends, and enjoys the culture. There's only one problem: she can't get laid. If the HWG stays in the country long enough, she will sometimes have a relationship with a Chinese man, but this almost always ends when his mother orders him to break it off (western girls are too kailang, open-minded -- code for "loose"). Her frustration has built to such a point that when she does find a semi-attractive western man, she cannot keep from flinging herself at him in desperation, inevitably driving him away by coming to his apartment drunk and singing showtunes at 5 a.m. Will eventually marry an Asian man from Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea or Malaysia: anywhere but mainland China.

The Creepy Chinese Man

The CCM is in his thirties, forties or even fifties. He may be divorced, an eternal bachelor, or he may even have a wife and kids on the side; but after twenty-odd years of lonely longing, his confidence and wealth have finally grown enough for him to hit on a white girl. However, having been born in the Maoist era of closed borders, he lacks basic education on western culture and completely fails to grasp the concept of sexual parity. If he does manage to make friends with a western female (perhaps through a shared professional interest), he treats her with great solicitude during the daytime, but inevitably humiliates her by treating her as his intellectual inferior, and thinks it good form to make drunken advances in the early hours of the morning.

The Third World Businessman

The TWB hails from India, Nigeria, Myanmar or Pakistan. Escaping the throes of poverty, ethnic conflict or simply motivated by a desire to succeed, the TWB came to China in hopes of finding his fortune but was swindled by unscrupulous local businessmen. However, in addition to English and his native language, he now speaks fluent Chinese, including several phrases involving your mother and a farmyard animal. He misses the weather back home and the warmth of his family ties, but he can't leave -- China has too many get-rich-quick schemes just waiting for his Midas touch. Plus, he's developed a taste for the fermented vegetable pickle. Wonder if they'd buy it back home...?

The Integrated Outsider

The IO is a rarely seen beast; some have even claimed its existence to be a myth. Nevertheless, Charmaine X can now announce that CCTV1 has captured rare video evidence of the IO in the form of Dashan's Business Chinese. The IO may or may not have married a local and spawned two or more mixed-race children; in any case, he or she frequently associates with locals and knows where to find all the best dumplings / rice noodles / pearl tea / silkworms-on-a-stick / stir-fried frog. S/he has accumulated enough cultural nous to laugh in the right place when someone makes a pun on a poem of the Tang dynasty, and will sometimes even venture a political joke -- with appropriate face-saving caution. Despite an appearance of harmonious integration, IOs divide their time between China and their country of origin (usually Canada or a Scandinavian nation), finding it intolerable to live more than a few months in each. Condemned to life as an eternal fencesitter, a double agent, or an anthropologist.