mademoiselle x

What a darling. Plan B, the London MC named after a birth control option, wrote a song about me. But the lyrics are très TMI. Sweetie, next time, just send flowers.

quote of the day: flaws

Late, they say, too late.
Delayed for decades.
I nodded: Yes, it took time,
Till I found words
For the over-used word 'shame'.
Along with everything which had made me known,
Flaws are attached to me
Clearly enough for people with flawless, pointing fingers.

-- From My Flaws, by Günter Grass (English translation James Meek)

show biz kids

They're cycling through southwest China with guitar, clarinet and double bass on their backs. They've been the Cyclowns, Thousands of Dead Frogs, Too Dumb to Die. In Thailand they performed a Glenn-Miller-esque number written by King Bhumibol Adulyadej.

I met them in Salvador's Café , Kunming, where they were busking for spare change. They invited me to a Friday night party hosted by Teutonic software engineers. Somewhere between a debate on East versus West German hairstyles and a visit by the military police, Mr Monaghan invited me to sing "Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen". It seemed appropriate.

Photos (L to R, top to bottom)
Johnnie Joyce of New Orleans. 二百五 is slang for "stupid".
Cartoonist, painter, composer, nomad, Mr Jimmy "Vegan" Monahan and his beard, Fred.
Triin of Estonia. The sunhat is borrowed; the smile is all hers.

quote of the day: job

"When people ask what my father did for a living, I say he shot dogs. Well, he didn't shoot them, he had assistants to do that for him." -- Proxodimec

public display of affection

To my cousin 'Clark': congratulations on your first baby, born yesterday. She is the cutest, smartest, most adorable thing in the universe (until I have my own of course), and she has wonderful parents.

Confidential to 'Violet' (you know who you are): thanks for the pic. I like the outfit. What can I do to express my gratitude?

self-test: jew, wasp or rastafarian?

At Charmaine X we know that religious orientation can be a challenge, but now we've made it absurdly simplistic! Jew, WASP or Rastafarian: which lifestyle suits you best? Find out in five minutes with this easy quiz. You may pick more than one answer to each question.

1. Generally speaking, what role have your ancestors played in racial massacres?

a. perpetrator ($)
b. victim (*)
c. singer-songwriter (#)

2. How many members of your extended family are gay?

a. How dare you. (#)
b. We don't talk about Aunt Doris that way. ($)
c. Two, three... are we counting the bisexuals? (*)

3. What competitive events do you excel in?

a. skiing, rowing, and/or horseriding ($)
b. self-deprecating (*)
c. I do not compete with my brothers and sisters, I unite with them to fight The Man! (#)

4. If someone treats you unfairly, what would your instinctive reaction be?

a. get out my rifle ($)
b. write a protest song (#)
c. mock them on national television in front of a live studio audience (*)

5. What tattoos do you have?

a. my boarding school's latin motto ($)
b. ex-lover's name, modified to include broken heart and/or gravestone ($#)
c. geographical outline of an African or Caribbean nation (#)
d. Chinese or Japanese characters they told me said "tranquil wisdom" but actually say "glab gloop white dog" (*)
e. none, I'm too chicken to get a tattoo (*)

6. Which recreational drugs do you prefer?

a. Weed is not a drug, it is a sacrament. (#)
b. Martini and scotch on the rocks. Prescribed medication doesn't count, right? ($)
c. Once took LSD out of a desire to emulate Allen Ginzberg. Nowadays, maybe Viagra. (*)

Add up your score of *, $ and # and read on for religious (re-)orientation.


Mostly *
Your winning combination of smartass and whiny qualities makes you a perfect candidate for Judaism. Unfortunately, the easiest way to become a Jew is the same as the easiest way to get rich -- be born that way. If you have no Jewish ancestry, you have a long and arduous road ahead of you, comprising many years of Torah study and silly hairstyles. But if one or more of your maternal grandparents is of Semitic descent you are free to be an atheist, or G*d forbid even a Christian: you still get to call people goyim and accuse them of Holocaust denial every time they suggest Israeli snipers stop aiming at Palestinian children under 12. Mazeltov!

Mostly $
Your sense of entitlement and racial superiority coupled with a willingness to shoot people who don't agree with you make you a natural-born WASP, and anyone who doesn't agree can stick it. Your mother might be your second cousin, but a small handicap in the thinking department won't stop you from joining the illustrious ranks of any Ivy League institution. (Daddy's money and your natural ability at water polo will grease the way.) If you weren't so loaded, they'd call you white trash. Perhaps they already do. But with all that socio-political might on your side, why should you care?

Mostly #
Get out the rolling machine and gear up for the Rasta lifestyle. Converting to Rastafarianism means you must worship as a god a slightly ratty-looking man named after an Olympic runner, but if you have any trouble suspending your disbelief, that 8 oz. bag of Purple Haze is just waiting to take you to a level of cosmic communion. If you don't already own a guitar, now is the time to buy one; be sure to tune it off-key for that authentic reggae effect. And on your way to the music shop, drop by your nearest Afro beauty parlor for advice on beads versus dreads. But not if you're white, unless you really want to look like a wigga.

Split between # and $

You're Eminem and/or Lauryn Hill. Your records have been going downhill lately but you still have the fire in you.

Split between # and *
You're Serge Gainsbourg and/or Lenny Kravitz. Good news -- Jewfros are totally hot right now.

Split between * and $
You're confused. Why not convert to Islam? I hear it's the next big thing in religions.


Spiritual dilemma, schmilemma! Now to sort out the rest of your life. Stay tuned to Charmaine X for next week's holistic job orientation: careers at a glance.

untranslatable: words that don't exist in other languages, but should

Here at Charmaine X we proudly pursue our educational efforts with this cheatsheet of foreign language vocabulary. No, not dirty words -- get your mind out of the gutter. What these have in common is linguistic untranslatability coupled with immense cross-cultural value, which will soon become apparent as you learn how to use...


mafan Chinese n / v / adj

"trouble, effort, annoyance, pain in the ass"

You can't translate "mafan ni le" as "I pained you in the ass". This polite Chinese formula could best be interpreted as "sorry to have put you to so much trouble; I'm grateful for your assistance". However mafan is a versatile term running the gamut from etiquette to insult, as in "ta tai mafan" ("s/he's a real pain"). In addition to people it is frequently used to describe actions or events, as in "zheme duo mafan" ("so many things which are annoying and troublesome to handle"). Perhaps because in China, there really are.

Suggested use:
"Thank god it's winter. Waxing is such a mafan."


techtel-mechtel German, possibly Black Forest dialect n

"flirtation, dalliance, fling, sexual intercourse, full-blown affair"

The American term "dating" tries to cover a wide spectrum of amorous and sexual possibilities, with far less success than the German techtel-mechtel. Though coming from a people known for their almost fanatical love of exactitude, "techtel-mechtel" is the Tony Blair of sex words, implying a multitude of sins without answering to any precise meaning. If only Clinton spoke German, he might never have had that whole impeachment mafan (good news for Ahnuld someday).

Suggested use:
"So what's the deal with your love life these days? Are you seeing anyone?"
"Oh, nothing serious. Just a little techtel-mechtel with the other librarians."


farniente French, niçois dialect n / v

lit. "to do nothing"

Like kung fu, la farniente is a state of mind. It is the zenith of Mediterranean phlegm (as opposed to its nadir, utter bureaucratic incompetence). "La farniente" evokes three-hour lunches and long siestas in the summer sun, a Zen-like spirit of inactivity much needed to counter the chronic stress of the post-industrial age. Would there still be nearly a thousand karoshi cases a year if Japan practiced the art of farniente? I rest my case.

Suggested use:
Professor: "You have five funding applications due and your viva's on Tuesday. Why is it you still haven't shown me the final draft of your thesis?"
PhD student: "Where's the rush? Chill, man, get a piece of the farniente."


Tomorrow's Zeitgeist? Next year's niche? These foreign words will be bound to impress your friends. Just remember, you heard it here first. Maybe.

quote of the day: unscientific

"And so, once again, I am forced to reject a fantasy because it is based on bad science!"
-- T-Rex

famous figures in chinese history, part 1: thinkers

Lately I've been hearing fictional comments that we at Charmaine don't care about the kids. Not true! I couldn't care more about the future of our children if you paid me (which used to be the case back when I was a French teacher). Nevertheless, the time has come to educate, elevate and inspire; to soar above the horizons of mundanity on the wings of gravitas. So without further ado, I present to you, dear readers, our new series on famous figures in chinese history, starting with part 1: thinkers.


A renowned philosopher and court official of the Tintin Dynasty, Confusius is widely credited with the establishment of Confusianism, also known as "Orientalism", a doctrine whose tentacles reach to the farthest outposts of the Asian world (Singapore, Manchester, Ottawa). It is thanks to Confusius that 93% of the most commonly used Chinese characters have multiple and often contradictory meanings and pronunciations. Twentieth century linguistic experts charged with the transliteration of foreign words are thought to have taken great inspiration from Confusianism when they translated 'Auto-Immune Deficiency Syndrome' as 'Love Burst Disease'.

Despite China's rapid modernization, Confusian influence still flourishes in the country's English-language signposts, instruction manuals and restaurant menus, where it is possible to order "flied crap" or have someone "wish you happy everyday". In the words of the sage himself, "man who leap off cliff, jump to conclusion".


If a Chinese person wishes to compliment someone on their exceptional intelligence they might compare them to Zhu Ge Liang, a royal advisor in the time of the Three Kingdoms. When he wasn't busy with court duties, Zhu Ge Liang, whose name means 'two pigs' backwards, used to disguise himself as a monkey and go on many adventures throughout the Chinese countryside with his sidekick, a talking pig. Fortunately a reality TV crew was there to film the whole thing and Zhu Ge Liang's epic story can still be seen on national Chinese television throughout the year.

Zhu Ge Liang was so intelligent that he would sometimes seal predictions and advice into envelopes to be opened at a later time; these envelope predictions are the little-known origin of the Oscars. Zhu Ge Liang's wife is famous in her own right for being ugly. Zhu Ge Liang married her because he was away on monkey adventures most of the year and figured an ugly wife would be less likely to stray. However, this backfired as he was stuck with an ugly wife. Divorce had not yet been invented at the time.


President Jowl is China's modern-day Zhu Ge Liang, except that he did not have an ugly wife. He had several very pretty wives (consecutively, not at the same time, because he is a modern man and not an evil imperialist). President Jowl is the inventor of the telephone, the combine harvester, the vaccine, the abortion and many other clever inventions which did not originate in evil western imperialism at all. President Jowl also improved the internet by making it a transparent medium in which evil imperialist enemies of the state can be caught red-handed in their imperialist actions such as writing bad untrue lies about President Jowl.

This concludes part 1 of our series. Now it's your turn, reader(s): are there any Confusian sayings you would like to share? Please post in Comments for the edification of all. There will be a Mystery Prize for the best one!

where in the world is charmaine sandiego

In the China-hole encounters between foreigners and natives often take strange turns, leading every deeper into mystification, miscommunication, and other things starting with mis-.* Witness the following phone conversation...


I receive a missed call from an unknown number. Thinking it to be a friend I'm waiting to hear from who doesn't own a cell, I call back (error the first). A man's voice answers...

Unidentified Man: "Hello?"

Me: "Hello? Who is this?"

UM: "Are you ____ [my Chinese nickname]?"

Me: "Yes, who are you?"

UM: "Where are you?"

Apparently in the China-hole it's standard practice to answer a question with a question. This is an ancient interlocutory trick of the philosopher Confusius. But this laowai is not so easily fooled.

Me: "Who are you?"

UM: "I'm your friend's friend. Where are you?"

Me: "Oh. Which friend's friend?"

UM: "I'm [name of guy who wheedled a phone number out of me after a chance meeting at the bus station, then called or texted me approximately eleven times in the following two weeks]'s friend. Maybe you don't remember me."

Me: "You still haven't told me your name!"

UM: "I'm at the bus station. Where are you?"

In Yunnan, it's standard practice to ask someone their location at the beginning of a conversation if you want to invite them to lunch, dinner, karaoke, drunken corn-liquor-fueled bar brawl, etc; so this is not quite so unbelievably rude as it sounds in English. Nevertheless, at this point irritation overtakes curiosity and I decide I know quite enough not to spend any more time speaking to this mine. His presumptuousness doesn't even merit a polite excuse such as "I'm busy" or "I'm snowed in" or "I'm washing my giraffe". However, my mother taught me never to hang up the phone without saying goodbye.

Me: "Zaijian!"

But Unidentified Man won't take the hint. He has Exotic Totty** on the phone and isn't giving up so easily.

UM: "What? You're in Zhejiang?"

Me: "Zaijian! Zaijian!"

I hang up. Just for good measure, I save his number as "[annoying guy]'s friend, DON'T ANSWER".


*Such as 'mistake', 'misdemeanor', 'misapprehension' and 'misery' to name but a few.

**Cultural note: I'm not really arrogant enough to call myself "Totty", but exoticism counts for a lot. Hence the phenomenon of "ugly" Chinese girls getting Calvin Klein-model western boyfriends, and okay-looking blondes being elevated to sex goddess status in longitudes east of New Delhi. You know you've been in China too long when you think Lucy Liu looks like a cross-eyed horse with skin disease.***

***That may be overly harsh. Lucy, if you're reading this, come over to my place anytime, we'll have fun. I'll scrub you down and ride you for hours.