if you try to convert me one more f%$#?!ing time

You know I have morals and becoming a Christian wouldn't make a difference on that front, right? You're not dumb enough to think I need God to tell me not to kill and steal and all that shit. You don't think I'm some sort of psychopath? Okay, good. In that case you must be trying to convert me because you think my heathen soul is damned to hell unless I accept Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior.

See, you're doing this for my own good. I get that. So I'm going to try to remain cordial and not tell you to BACK THE FUCK OFF if you try to convert me one more f%$#?!ing time.

I'll try not to laugh at your sheer prideful ignorance in thinking your religion is the One True Way. I'll try not to pinch myself when you attempt to reconcile your alleged love of humanity with your evident contempt for Muslims and homosexuals. I'll try not to slap you in your self-satisfied face when you write off centuries of massacres, persecutions and socio-political disasters committed in the name of your church. Really, I'll do my best.

I'll try not to doubt your intelligence and powers of logic when you put forth the specious argument that it's true because the Bible said so, as if your holy book hadn't been written and compiled by humans, who are known for lying, fabricating and plain old getting things wrong. What's that you say? They were transcribing the word of God? Bahai'i, Mormons and Scientologists say so too. What makes you so damn special? I'd have more respect if you told me Jesus manifested himself before your eyes as you were eating a hot dog and told you to go easy on the mustard.

I'll try not to be insulted when you rudely attack my world view, even though I'm man enough to leave yours alone, because, for fuck's sake, we're at the dinner table. Let's just have a friendly conversation. Leave abortions and Iraq until coffee, at least.

But if you even think of telling me you're going to "pray for my soul", I swear I'll sit on your face until you choke on your holier-than-thou-flavored bake sale jam slice.

Come to think of it, let's do that. It'll be fun.