ain't no fun (if my comrades can't have none)

You know why the Democrats keep messing up -- as one commentator said a propos their 2004 election failure, "snatching defeat from the jaws of victory"? Sure, they fight for the nomination like a pack of teenage mothers squabbling over their shared crackhead boyfriend on Ricki Lake. And yeah, they did change their mind about the war, and change their mind again, and then claim they never changed their mind in the first place, much like the aforementioned boyfriend claiming they're not his babies when everyone done saw him hanging around at Sharon's place when he wud supposed to be at Sayenna's. And okay, so the Democrats have an uncanny knack for gaining the support of one minority voter group by alienating all the others, much like talk show rivals taking turns pandering to the non-booing half of the live TV audience.

But -- and I hope you will imagine this spoken in the authoritative tones of Dr Phil -- those are not the root issue. No, the real problem here is that the Democrats don't have any good music.

Think about it. Hillary Clinton's official presidential campaign song: "You and I" by Celine Dion. Nasal wailing? Is this really the image she wants to associate with her candidacy? Worse, when I think of Edwards or Obama, no music comes to mind at all. What is this, the anti-party Party?

Ladies, gentlemen and other, I don't know about you but I reckon it's time to prune the Shrub and his cronies till they're bonsai. To paraphrase the commander guy himself, we're gonna smoke 'em outta their holes (he was referring to Ay-rabs, but it works just as well for Republicans). And what better way to rally the troops than your good old-fashioned protest lyrics? That's right, we'll sing them out of office!

I hereby present to you Charmaine X's official Only-Bush-I-Trust-Is-My-Own campaign song of 2008, to be sung to the tune of the eponymous Snoop Dogg number:

Ain't No Fun (if my comrades can't have none)

When I met you last night, baby
Before you showed me your income gap
I had respect for your political party
But now I take it all back

'Cos you fucked up the economy
And you didn't tax your cash
You did a number on the immigrants
And your supporters like to gay-bash

Next time I'm feeling kind of angry
Don't try to tell me, 'cos I'll cut you off
And if you're on your ranch in Texas
Even better -- don't open your mouth

'Cos I have never met a boy
Who's so oblivious to the geopolitical implications of his actions in the
whole wide world*

Ain't no fun
If the comrades can't ha-a-ave none
Ain't no fun
If the comrades can't ha-a-ave none
...

[punch chad, repeat.]


*If you have trouble making this line scan, I recommend that you study the classic syllable-compressing style of il ritmo e azzurro as epitomized by the oeuvre of Divo Craig David.